The $2 Fig

I bought just three things at Fortnum & Mason: a jar of artichoke and garlic cream, a box of Elderflower tea and a tiny fig, about half the size of an apricot. Together, I paid almost 20 usd. The fig was a calmyrna, and I'd never had one before. It was $2. The cream, I'd found in Napa last year and it has been the singular best purchase I've ever made. I have been unable, until now, to find it anywhere, online or otherwise. The tea is like heaven. Elderflowers are in everything here and they taste like a garden kissed by rainbows, mixed with just a bit of sweetness. The flavor is very difficult for me to describe. I'll have to think about it.

What I have to say about Fortnum & Mason is this: go if you want to see luxury at its most gawdy. While I adore food, and going to grocery stores is like going to church for me, even I found this place a bit much. I found it ridiculous to even consider paying $70 for a tin of tea. Nothing there is affordable, save for the tiniest piece of licorice or a jar of preserves. It's set up like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory for grown ups, complete with crystal chandeliers, varnished wood and about a million attendants dressed in perfectly ironed uniforms, acting as both security guards and maître d'hôtels in the finest restaurants.

The place looked like a museum, the way things were on display. It was quiet in there, too. Too quiet for a store. I felt like I couldn't touch anything.

Still, it was a sight to behold. Gorgeous glass counters filled with every kind of chocolate imaginable. A pastry case with luscious looking cream cakes, parfaits, financiers and tiny olive oil and blueberry finger cakes. There were jams stacked up to the ceiling along entire walls. Biscuits from every country. There's a wine bar downstairs and a cafe on top serving $18 leek and onion tarts. Downstairs, there's a full scale gourmet market, with cheeses, meats, pates, caviar, wine and groceries. There were 11 kinds of vanilla, a million colors of sugar and even a section with confections made with insects. I picked up a lollipop and freaked out. There was a scorpion in it.

It's elegance at its most elegant. A playground for the rich. It's an institution in London and now I've seen it. Consider it crossed off my list.

I won't even tell you about Lauduree. It looked like a diamond store. The place was ensconced in gold and macaroons were $6 a piece. That's total bullshit. Beautiful, yes. Ostentation at its worst, though, and I'm not really into that sort of thing. Can I appreciate food as art? Of course. I just don't think it needs to be delivered in a box made of gold wrapped in $100 bills.